How We Can Honor Those We’ve Lost
The holiday season is a time we associate with joy, warmth, and togetherness. But for those of us who have lost a loved one, especially unexpectedly, the holidays can instead bring a wave of grief that feels almost impossible to endure. My mother died on Thanksgiving Day several years ago, and it almost ruined Thanksgiving for me and my family forever.
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My mother wasn’t just my mom—she was my support, my cheerleader, the person I leaned on for everything. Ten days before Thanksgiving in 2018, she started to feel sluggish, not quite herself. Day by day, her health declined. She finally went to the doctor and was admitted to the hospital. The Tuesday before Thanksgiving, she was put on life support. The next day, we were told she had lost brain function and that there was no chance she would survive without it. As a family, we had to make the heartbreaking decision to let her go naturally.
I wanted to keep her alive. I was angry and terrified. At just 20 years old, I hadn’t experienced much death in my life and I wasn’t ready to face it. Keeping her on life support felt like a way to not have to confront reality. But after many discussions with my family and the health care team, we made the painful decision to take her off life support on the evening before Thanksgiving.
Mom was a fighter—she hung on for almost 24 hours more. She took her last breath at 5:30 p.m. on Thanksgiving Day, surrounded by my dad, brothers, sister, nieces, and nephew. We cried, we prayed, we laughed about the memories we had shared with her. And then we had to let her go, as we watched the funeral home take her body away.
That first Christmas was awful. Grief moved in, and it felt like it was there to stay. I was angry at friends who still had their mothers, jealous of others who seemed to have more time than I did. Returning to school in January seemed impossible. My dad was depressed, and my siblings, who were married and had their own families, seemed to carry on, but I was struggling. It was a hard time for all of us.
After much discussion, my family decided that instead of reliving the grief each year, we would celebrate Mom’s life on Thanksgiving. Now, each Thanksgiving, we light a candle in her honor, say a prayer, and ask her to watch over us. It’s our way of bringing her presence into the day in a meaningful way—to celebrate her spirit rather than dwell on the pain.
Coping with Unexpected Grief
Unexpected grief is cruel, uncomfortable, and often feels unbearable. Losing a loved one is always hard, but when it’s sudden, it’s a different kind of shock. We were lucky in that we had the chance to say goodbye to my mom. I can’t imagine the pain of losing someone in a sudden accident, without the opportunity to hold their hand or say those final words. For so many, the pain of losing someone unexpectedly is compounded by financial and logistical burdens, especially during the holiday season when everything is supposed to be bright and full of joy.
One of the hardest parts was navigating the funeral arrangements. Planning a funeral while in shock and grief feels almost impossible, and for many families, the financial burden can make it even more overwhelming. This is why prepaid funerals can be such a blessing. They allow families to focus on grieving and supporting each other without the added stress of unexpected expenses.
If you find yourself in this position, I want you to know that there are resources available to help ease some of this burden. Companies like After.com provide prepaid funeral plans that can alleviate financial stress in difficult times, helping you prepare for the inevitable so that your loved ones don’t have to shoulder it alone. If you’re looking for something simple but meaningful, Ever Loved offers a way to create a memorial website where friends and family can come together to share stories, photos, and memories of those who have passed. These gestures, though they don’t remove the pain, can help make the grief feel a little more manageable.
Grief Counseling and Support Organizations
Grief is a journey that no one should have to navigate alone. Sometimes, the weight of grief is too much to bear without help, and that’s where grief counseling can make a significant difference. Speaking with a professional can help you process emotions, develop coping strategies, and find a path forward that honors both your loved one and yourself.
There are several organizations that provide grief counseling and support:
- GriefShare: This is a network of support groups that meets in person or online. GriefShare helps those who are grieving connect with others who are also on a journey of healing, providing both community and understanding.
- The Dougy Center: Known for its work with children and families, The Dougy Center offers grief support and resources for those who have lost a loved one. Their focus is on helping children and teens understand and navigate their grief.
- BetterHelp: For those who prefer the convenience of online support, BetterHelp offers licensed therapists who specialize in grief counseling. This can be a helpful resource for those who want private, professional help from the comfort of their home.
- Hospice Grief Counseling Services: Many hospice organizations provide grief counseling services to families, even if their loved one did not use hospice care. They often offer group sessions, one-on-one counseling, and workshops that can provide solace and guidance.
If you are feeling overwhelmed, know that reaching out for help is not a sign of weakness. It is an act of courage and self-care. These organizations can provide support and help guide you through the complexities of your grief, especially during the holiday season when emotions can feel even more intense.
Honoring Those We Love
Each holiday season, I’ve learned to incorporate small rituals to honor my mom—lighting a candle, sharing stories, preparing her favorite recipes—all ways to keep her presence alive in my heart. For those navigating grief, finding ways to honor your loved one can bring comfort. Florist One offers memorial flowers that can be sent to a gravesite or to someone who is grieving, and for me, that act of sending flowers has been a way to keep her memory beautiful.
No one should have to navigate grief alone, and no one should have to face the logistical nightmares that often accompany death without support. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that finding small moments to honor our loved ones—whether through lighting a candle, creating a memorial page, or making future preparations—can bring a small sense of control and peace during an otherwise tumultuous time.
Moving Forward with Grace
If you are experiencing unexpected grief this holiday season, I hope you know that you’re not alone. Grief doesn’t follow a timeline, and it doesn’t look the same for everyone. Take the time you need, create rituals that help you, and lean on those who care about you. The pain may not ever fully go away, but by creating space for both your grief and your love for those who have passed, you can find ways to move forward—one step at a time.
And if you feel overwhelmed by the planning, remember that there are services that can help lighten the load. Consider taking those steps now if you’re in a position to, so that your family will one day have more time to focus on what really matters: honoring your love and cherishing the memories you made together.
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